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Twenty Steps to Build Your Confidence

Here are twenty of the things we feel are most important for managers. Do not be concerned with trying all twenty at the same time. We recommend that you write each of these points on an individual 3 x 5 card and work on only one or two points each week. After you have concentrated on each point for a period of four to six weeks, that specific point will begin to become a part of your life. In other words, you will have replaced self-defeating habits of your past with these good habits. The result is a higher degree of confidence that will permeate and penetrate your entire life.

1.  Live for today. One phrase we’d like to cut from the English language is “if only.” “If only” I would get one more promotion, could make a certain income, would close a certain sale, could become a husband or a father. “If only” I could afford a bigger house or a fancier car, “if only” my boss would get off my back, “if only” I could motivate this one employee…then I would really be happy.

It is important to have a purpose, to set goals, and to strive for future success. But, it is equally important to be happy with your life right now. Do not put your self-worth and self-confidence out of reach until some future date. Most people learn only too late that the quest is irrational, the longing will always be for “something more.” Focus on what is good right now. Each day ask yourself, “What am I thankful for?” and “What can I do today for myself?”

2.   Set goals. In order to gain mastery over your environment, it is important that you be able to accomplish the things in life that you feel are important. Setting and achieving predetermined goals is one of the most important roads to travel if you are going to increase your confidence. Setting goals is intimately associated with living actively. It is through actions that an attitude of self-responsibility is developed. Ask yourself, “What actions can I take to increase my confidence or advance my career, investments, and relationships?” “What actions will bring me closer to my goals?” When you set goals, you will realize you do have control in your life, you will be more motivated, and you will be proud of your accomplishments.

3.   Associate with others who are confident. You will encounter negative people who will always look at the downside or point out the negative in any situation. Some will even purposely try to drag you down. When you associate with other individuals who are confident, you will reap the benefits they have to offer. They tend to be happier with life, deal easier with change and adversity, and will offer you support and unequaled encouragement. Choose your friends and associates wisely.

4.   Dress and look your best always. You can tell a lot about how a person feels by looking at the way he or she dresses. We are not suggesting that you always wear a fashionable suit to work. We are suggesting that you take the time to dress and groom appropriately so you feel good about how you look. People respond to us, in part, by our appearance. It goes back to the vicious cycle of self-esteem. By feeling good about your appearance, you send a message to others that you care and like yourself. The response from others will reinforce these feelings. How you look on the outside deeply affects how you feel on the inside.

5.  Set your own standards. By setting internal standards, you will be comparing you to you. This means we have to believe in our own uniqueness. When we appreciate the true nature of confidence, we see that it is not competitive or comparative. Genuine confidence is not expressed by being better than others or diminishing others so we can elevate ourselves. It is developed by setting personal goals, challenging ourselves, and feeling proud of our accomplishments. You decide what standards are important to you.

6.   Be honest with yourself. Unfortunately, the appropriate use of self-honesty is not automatic; rather, it is an active choice. How we use our consciousness, the honesty of our relationship to reality, and the level of our personal integrity will influence our confidence.  If you choose to fake the reality of who you are, you will mislead others, as well as yourself. You may do so because you feel or believe that who you are is not acceptable. You value a delusion in someone else’s mind above your own knowledge of the truth. The penalty is that you go through life with the frustrated sense of being an impostor. This means, among other things, that you sentence yourself to the anxiety of wondering when you will be found out. The lies most devastating to our confidence and self-esteem are not so much the lies we tell, as the lies we live. Good confidence and self-esteem demands congruence–which means that the self within and the self projected to the world must be in accord.

Remember that confidence and self esteem are not determined solely by worldly success, physical appearance, popularity, or any other value not directly under our control. Rather, they are a function of our rationality, honesty, and integrity, all operations of the mind for which we are responsible. Be honest with yourself. Acknowledge your special talents and gifts. Be aware of your faults or weaknesses and decide what and how you want to improve.

7.   Look people in the eye. Before you can look others in the eye, you need to be able to look yourself in the eye. When you look into a mirror, you need to feel good about you. Most people will tell you that they like people better who are able to look them eyeball-to-eyeball. Research has shown that people who look others in the eye are perceived as more honest, trustworthy, and credible. Those three adjectives are valuable to anyone.

8.   Volunteer your name first. Whether you are introducing yourself or answering the telephone, you tell a lot about yourself by volunteering your name first in a conversation. You are telling others you have self-confidence, self-respect, and are proud of who you are. Others, in turn, will respond to you with a higher level of respect.

9.  Take full responsibility for your life. Men and women who are confident have an active orientation to life rather than a passive one. They take full responsibility for the attainment of their goals. They ask the questions, “Where do I want to be?” and “How do I get there?” They do not wait for others to fulfill their wants and dreams. Self-responsibility is indispensable to strong self-confidence. Avoiding self-responsibility victimizes us in our own lives. It leaves us helpless. We give power to everyone except ourselves. When we are frustrated, we look for someone to blame; we find others are at fault for our unhappiness. In contrast, the appreciation of self-responsibility can be an exhilarating and empowering experience. It places our lives back into our own hands. In short, people who are confident take responsibility for their own existence.

10.  Treat everyone you meet with dignity and respect. From the president of your corporation to the janitor who cleans your office, from your significant other to the person who waits on your table when you eat out–treat everyone with dignity and respect. With this attitude, people will go out of their way to help you. Friendships are easier to attain, and you will find most people will like you better. As a side benefit, you will never have to worry about offending the wrong person. Being liked by others increases your confidence.

11.  Think for yourself. Often what people call “thinking” is merely recycling the opinions of others, not true thinking. Thinking independently–about our work, our relationships, the values that will guide our lives–is part of what is meant by living consciously. Often, you will find yourself bowing to the wishes of others. It takes a conscious effort on your part to think through the situation, form an opinion, and then steadfastly execute your opinion.

12.  Develop your imagination. The starting point of all change is when we begin to change our imagination which has been limiting our awareness. It is possible to do this because we make our own world. Creating confidence begins in our subconscious mind and imagination. As Professor William James pointed out, “…it begins with changing the inner aspects of our thinking.” We know from experience that an outward change will come after we change from within. By changing our imagination, we change our awareness and, therefore, our reactions to people, circumstances, and conditions.

13.  Improve your communication skills. Communication is the tool that connects us to others. Clearly expressing your ideas allows you to be understood. Listening allows you to grow, learn, and open up to other people and ideas. Communication is the glue that binds friendships, marriages, and successful relationships at work.               

There are hundreds of ways available to improve your communication skills: books, tapes, seminars, Toastmasters, etc. Find one and take some time to improve your ability to connect with others. You will see that as your confidence in your communication skills improves, so will your self-esteem.

14.  Remember, all successful people have experienced failure. Most people who have accomplished anything great have experienced many failures. The difference is that these successful people view failure differently than most. They use the failure as a learning experience and benefit from it. Dr. Warren Bennis, in his book Leaders, The Strategies for Taking Charge, describes how all the great leaders he interviewed had at least one devastating experience in their life. Gail Sheehy, in her book Pathfinders, describes the same phenomena. The difference with the people these two authors describe is the way they viewed the failure in their lives. They viewed it as a learning experience.

Thomas Edison failed 10,000 times to get the incandescent light to burn; Ty Cobb, the all-time base stealer in major league baseball, was tagged out more than any other player in the history of the game; Babe Ruth holds the all-time strikeout record; Henry Ford was broke at the age of 40; and Lee Iacocca was fired by Henry Ford II at the age of 54. The great news is that each one of these people are remembered for their successes, not for their failures. You, too, will be remembered by the number of times that you succeed. And, the number of times you succeed will be in direct proportion to the number of times that you fail, but keep on trying.

15.  Change always starts with awareness. To increase your own self-awareness, take a self-inventory. Make a list of all your positive attributes. Most people undervalue their assets. Each year, it is important to acknowledge your strengths, your areas for improvement, and your significant accomplishments for the past year. With your attributes on paper, you will find it easier to value yourself, feel proud of strengths, and set new goals for areas of improvement.

16.  Develop the habit of positive self-talk. Your confidence is shaped by the way you communicate with yourself. The sooner you can change the way you communicate with yourself, the sooner your communication with others will change as well. When you change your communication with others, it changes the way others respond to you and this reinforces your positive self-talk. As your self-talk is enhanced and becomes more positive, your level of confidence will follow in a positive manner. Assess your self-talk. Are you being kind to yourself? If you don’t like what you hear, change your negative self-talk into positive self-talk. Focus on positive belief in yourself.

17.  Be a volunteer or a mentor. Give back. Help others as you have been helped. Give some of        your time to those who could benefit from your friendship or expertise. Whether it is a person or an organization, you will feel good after you have touched another in a positive way. It usually costs you very little and you have a lot to gain knowing you have helped someone.

18.  Try it until you make it!  Many people ask, “How can I exhibit the behaviors of a confident person when I do not feel that way?” Unfortunately, many do not realize that behaviors that generate strong confidence are also expressions of strong confidence. Behaviors that are expressions of strong confidence are also generators of strong confidence. If you practice each one of the behaviors we have just reviewed, you will begin to develop more confidence. Even when you do not feel like manifesting strong, confident behaviors, TRY IT! If you act like you have confidence, confidence will follow. The only secret to enhancing and maintaining confidence is to practice, practice, and practice some more.

 19.  Accept change. The one thing we can most certainly count on in this world is change. It’s the one constant. Be aware that change is inevitable. You can choose to resist change and view it as negative. If you take this perspective, you set yourself up for constant disappointment. Or, you can view change as an opportunity. With any change, you can look for the good, for an opportunity to grow.

 20.  Focus on what you want, not what you do not want. Confident people focus on what they want in life, not what they do not want or what they want to avoid. If you want a new job, an improved relationship, or a slimmer you, do not focus on being stuck where you are, the negative aspects of the relationship, or your current weight. Put your sights on the new job: What will it be? Where will it be? What will you be doing? Focus on how the relationship will be better: Is there better communication? Do we have greater mutual respect? Are we having more fun? And, the slimmer you: How will you feel? What will you look like? How will others react to you? Remember, you will get what you expect. So expect the best.